Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Disappointment

Im disappointed today.
I never thought I would ever say that word
or experience that sensation

I can honestly say I have never felt that way about anyone beyond myself.

And maybe I expect more from people.
And that may be a fault of mine.

I believe in honesty
and I have spent my limited lifetime configuring my voice
to express what is in my heart
the love for humanity
the affinity and appreciation for those close to me.

and in this moment it seems pinched.

Im fumbling over words in my head.
Having trouble classifying this feeling.

I miss the ocean.
I miss standing, sand between my toes
releasing the weight in my chest.

Allowing it to escape through my pores.
I miss the sound of the waves
the salty breeze
I can close my eyes and be there

but instead I sit at this coffee shop
perplexed
watching the biplanes escape over the mountains.
anticipating my next climb.

this will have to do.

I find myself swayed by the mountain air
calming my frustration
and rocking me to a lull.

maybe that sensation is fleeting
Its not in my nature to be disappointed.
Its so funny how it comes in with such intensity
but whithers quickly as i contemplate the why's and origins of this feeling.

Maybe introspection into negative sensations allows for them to die sooner.

Thank you Sedona.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

The Mountain

There is this hairy (grassy) mountain here in sedona
you can see cars pushing up it in 45 degree angles.

I sat yesterday and watched them criss cross against it, then fade into the unknown of the top.
I imagined that the top was the ascension Plato described in the cave.
Maybe the true cave is this reality.

I don't honestly know.
But its fun to hypothesize

I sat thinking about the cars, and their patterns.
I found myself filling with frustration at it.
Why?
Why get worked up over something so impersonal?

I recall saying out loud....
"I dont want to drive my life up the mountains of life.
I want to feel the earth between my fingernails.
I want to climb it.
I want my life to be this vivid declaration of love
where the work is shown through my perspiration

I meditated on that and recognized that I have always felt that way
I have lived life with passion and I will continue to.

Loving these epiphanies.

Friday, April 15, 2011

The Journey

Is it possible to move on?
to move past who we once were
to evolve?

To evolve past relationships, people, situations that used to once make us so happy
so enthralled?
Or is it a capturing?
Do we carry these ppl and images of memories with us?

and if so, is that why my back hurts so much?

Sometimes I feel like some memories chase me.
That I attempted to cut them,
but they are continuously texting me

like that cold that wont leave your skin.
those cold nights that infect your bones
and you would do anything to alleviate that aching in the tendons

I love these days
staring at a red mountahin
writing these words as they come
feeling the sun kiss my back.
as if it is embracing me from behind.

I am in love with this world.
maybe thsi is why I am alone.
I am already having a love affair.

I nestle in the moons gaze
wake up to the suns kisses
and spend the day reading in trees, by the water, or on a mountain.

I sometimes don't feel that any man could love me like this.
And as I have said- it will take a very special man to stop me on this adventure.

and though I love this part of my life,
I cant wait to experience a love like that.

We shall see what transpires, but none the less,
I am loving this journey.



Friday, April 8, 2011

Looking to Now


The words spill from my lips
and my brain pumps these melodic ramblings forth
like the pressure and gushing from an old fashioned watering pump
and these words are sweet as they purse from my lips

Time has stopped existing for me as of late
the linear nature I once understood is but imaginary now
and it throws me off
i find myself not caring about it
as if it never mattered

as if we put so much importance on time
we busy ourselves so much
but do we do it to fill that void of time?

How much of what we do is to push that clock forward?
are we living just enough to fill the time between sleep?

Are we enjoying our lives?
Are we filling out lives with love or are we just buffering our lives until death embraces us?

The problem all along was me.
It was not appreciating the time I was in now.
Focused on the past, finding a sense of closure
Searching in the darkness looking for that light switch.
focusing on the future of whether I would find it or not.
Spending all that effort and time on other states of being.

Its the now that is important.
Nothing else necessarily exists.
Do you see that?

It isnt "well I have time to kill before X"
It is doing what you feel led to now.
The prior fills one with worry and anxiety.
the latter? Joy.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow.
Planning to hike, and its supposed to snow.
Imagine my disappointment.
That is one outlook.

Its time to retune our minds
Its about damn time that we embrace where we are and what we are dealt.
There is no looking forward- there just is now.

We exist in this moment.
Lets embrace it.