Saturday, July 30, 2011

Cyclical evolution

My heart is bursting
I assume its the awakening of my spirit
and not a heart attack
though I think both are life changing

I have this morbid understanding of existence.
I see beauty in every trauma or rainstorm
Most are just misunderstandings.
Most are illusions

I refuse to accept defeat
in any aspect of my life
even if I am initiaing my own undoing.

No thing can break me
no one can harm me unless I allow them to
and I am vigilant

but what of love?
what of that fluttering heart?
how does one open without breaking?

I would argue its all about your perception
if you refuse to believe in the breaking and see it as a transition in life and a cyclical evolution
there is only openess

never say die
always perceive it as a learning lesson.
Understand what you need
and enhance yourself through tribulation.

Lets awaken
lets respect ourselves
it all lies in that.
accept who you are

self love

One more hour.
Its all I ask for.

ITs hard to find the time to stop
and listen to your own heartbeat.

It scares me.
The initial thought of time with oneself is frightening
to sit- alone
listening to the thoughts
to listen to the thinker

Once I invest that time,
I cant help but wish I had one more hour.
Like I am my own soul mate
that feeling in your gut when someone you care so deeply for is about to leave.
That longing.

I guess I have a love affair with myself
not in the pretentious sense
There is a big difference to love onself
and hyperbolizing false love for the adoration of others

I truly love who I am.
What I feel
My conviction and altruistic affectations

Though its hard at times
to face my faults
the circumstances where my intent is superceded with fear based action.

When I myself default
on promises
on love
on outstretching self invented barriers
on communication

But the resonation of my heart will be heard first.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

As Much As I Ever Could

I am learning life lessons every day.
It sriveting.
and wonderous.
the good and the bad.

For its the 'bad' that teaches us lessons
about both ourselves and others.
The good is a blessing in filling those moments of laughter and joy
The beauty in waking
The beauty in love

I dont know what I want
And I guess its taken 28 years to come to that conclusion
and what an empty conclusion to come to after all I have experienced.

But I see hope in it.
Its that black void that I am in
that allows for any possibility to manifest.

All possibilities are open to me.
and I have always swayed with the breeze.

I saw a baby bird struggling in a parking lot today.
I took it in to the neighborhood bar where we fed it water through a straw.
It was so sweet.
So gentle
We placed him into a to go box (open of course) and put him outside the door of the humane society.

Im worried about that little bird
worried that he is all alone.
worried that he died in the night.

I left him with a peck to the head
and a farewell wishing of safety.

Gah, I hope he is ok.

But I realize in that
that I care more about the well being of that bird than I do of my own similar struggles.
'I have such a deep love for this world
such compasion for all its inhabitants

I had more of a definitive decision in what to do with that bird than what to do with my life.
What does that say?

Its unclear to me at this time.
but I recognize it.

I guess that is the first step of attaining aloneness and gaining perspective.
We shall see what epiphanies are in store.