Wednesday, November 16, 2011

truth within yourself


We all have defined truths

Though they may be as in flux as a rapid river

What is your truth?

My truth is that I know that no matter what transpires

That i can always trust myself.

I can hold my own heart

Too often we disallow ourselves to resonate

To exist outside of this physical existence

We replicate the energy of others

And void the symbiotic relationship with us and ourselves

I think intuition is that voice of our source

It has never led me astray

And i understand its value

But how to we stay in communion with our heart?

How do u stay strong amidst adversity?

Or even worse

When you are out tune with yourself?

Sometimes I fall out of love with humanity

I have such a deep compassion for people and nature that at times I lose connection with myself and fall into a dark space.

I recognize that the negative energy induced is my disconnection from my nature

I think many of us live almost solely in our heads.

The beauty of existence is learning to take your internal source and illuminating.

Listen to your intuition, feel completely, and resonate your heart.

No matter the verbal exchange, or your "failures"

Realize its all learning to stay in tune with yourself while living in this skin.

Good luck

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Thursday, October 27, 2011

The other side of the river

Sometimes I look in the mirror and dont recognize the face looking back at me
its weird
its like I have never seen this image before

Sometimes I find comfort in the absurdity of it
and sometimes it scares me
as if early memory loss has set in

I see every morning as a new experience
and every new face in the mirror as an opportunity to redefine it
to relive an existence that never took place
and that may never come to fruition

Every day we are remade
well, externally
our essence is constant

but we have new opportunities every day
I know this because for the longest time I refused those opportunities
I shyed away from nurturing that face in the mirror.

I left her as an image
as this stranger that I said good morning to for those years
I became numb
and the only thing that created reaction was to see that unknown creature in the mirror

It took so long to embrace that face
to reawaken to my own strength
to feel pride

I have remarked on my change frequently in these writings.
My transcendence
my awakening of sorts.

That stranger saved me
She was always there
waiting for me to truly see her

as weird as all of this metaphor sounds-
I saved myself
We all do
we- our essence- our spirit- our passion
can salvage any "broken" aspect within ourselves.
We create our destiny
we choose our fate

I choose life
I choose the other side of the river



Thursday, September 29, 2011

Tuning to Life

Sometimes I feel like Gravity works against me
I like floating in the clouds- idealistic and in love with existence

but every so oftern
That damned phenomena-
Gravity-
Forces me down
imploring with the negative impulses of perceptive life.

I feel chained to it sometimes
and it generates a distaste in me
where I feel like I cant escape it
As if it binds with its force
and my wrists are stained with burst capillaries below my skin.

My spirit fights it
and after a while,
I am slumped- and broken to the fight
and I become part of the world-
succomming to the temptations to perpetuate my own unhappiness.

When you are worn out
How do you generate the strength to stand up?

When I typed that I imagined a man sitting with no legs.
slumped against a brick wall
and I remembered when I was told stories of how those with no legs can still sense the legs that don't exist

I remember some philosophers saying that that sensation is proof of a soul.

And it connected just now.
Just because you don't have something doesn't mean you can't sense it
It doesn't mean that it doesn't necessarily exist.

When I feel broken and my wrists ache
When I feel like Im in bondage

You can't harp on it.
You cant focus on the negative

There is a beauty in those bruises
For that pain in your wrists- that exhaustion-
you know what that was???


IT WAS YOUR EFFORT
It was your voice.
What a conviction do I have if I am willing to fight so hard?

The recognition of your strength should be enough for you to realize that it isn't the force binding you-

Its your acceptance of it and your tuning to it.
When you tune to the negative of this world- you absorb it.

Life is full of ups and downs.
Struggles and pitfalls.

But when you find yourself in a pit
remind yourself of the mountains you were on not long ago.

Trust in your strength.
Recognize your fight within
Embrace it
Accept that not everything flows freely,
and sometimes Gravity snags you so you can appreciate yourself and who you are.

Thank you life's challenges
you are building me

Monday, August 22, 2011

the Ghosts of a good thing

Ive been carrying corpses with me this whole time
Corpses of empty promises,
unrealistic expectations
and relationships that would never work out.

Ive been holding onto potential futures that can never be

and the funny thing?
I knew deep down that they would never come to fruition.

But I kept the ghost of a good thing.
I let the hope kiss my eyes shut at night
and awaken me in the morning.

Its all an illusion.

No one can hold my heart
Im elusive
I don't like consistency
and I can't hold onto something, someone, or myself with my hands behind me
dragging hopeless futures
pulling these decaying bodies of impossible futures.

I've grown an infection from this
Ive bound myself for too long
that my wrists are cut and infected

This stench resonates and produces a direct observation of my misdirection
and I need an antiseptic

I don't want this anymore
Im letting go.
Im giving up these ghosts.
letting them dissipate into the once believed past and non existent future.

Im releasing that desire.
And opening myself to a new adventure.

we dont need anything.

I just need me.

Nothin can stop this heart
this beat that keeps me moving.
What a beautiful sound.

So I will just lay
and listen to it
and remind myself that I am not the corpse I carry

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

these Weary eyes

I fear I have lost myself again
lost in the waves of deadlines and office life
lost in the waves of campaigning

long hours
no sunlight

and sometimes all I desire is to hear a voice
to hear my family
to know how my sister is doing

Just one utterance from my best friend could revive my spirit
the days are sticking together like pages in a book.

I need an outlet
I need a semblance of myself

I have given all of myself this past month.
almost all of it.

So I am venting in these words all of my out of tune frustration
and hoping that all that is left is my nature
purified
back to old me

You have to make time for what you want
you have to try
because if you dont try for yourself?
who will?

time to get back in line.

time to get to the heart of the matter
and cleanse out this funk

here we go.....

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Cyclical evolution

My heart is bursting
I assume its the awakening of my spirit
and not a heart attack
though I think both are life changing

I have this morbid understanding of existence.
I see beauty in every trauma or rainstorm
Most are just misunderstandings.
Most are illusions

I refuse to accept defeat
in any aspect of my life
even if I am initiaing my own undoing.

No thing can break me
no one can harm me unless I allow them to
and I am vigilant

but what of love?
what of that fluttering heart?
how does one open without breaking?

I would argue its all about your perception
if you refuse to believe in the breaking and see it as a transition in life and a cyclical evolution
there is only openess

never say die
always perceive it as a learning lesson.
Understand what you need
grow
and enhance yourself through tribulation.

Lets awaken
lets respect ourselves
it all lies in that.
accept who you are


self love

One more hour.
Its all I ask for.

ITs hard to find the time to stop
and listen to your own heartbeat.

It scares me.
The initial thought of time with oneself is frightening
to sit- alone
listening to the thoughts
to listen to the thinker

Once I invest that time,
I cant help but wish I had one more hour.
Like I am my own soul mate
that feeling in your gut when someone you care so deeply for is about to leave.
That longing.

I guess I have a love affair with myself
not in the pretentious sense
There is a big difference to love onself
and hyperbolizing false love for the adoration of others

I truly love who I am.
What I feel
My conviction and altruistic affectations

Though its hard at times
to face my faults
the circumstances where my intent is superceded with fear based action.

When I myself default
on promises
on love
on outstretching self invented barriers
on communication

But the resonation of my heart will be heard first.


Saturday, July 2, 2011

As Much As I Ever Could

I am learning life lessons every day.
It sriveting.
and wonderous.
the good and the bad.

For its the 'bad' that teaches us lessons
about both ourselves and others.
The good is a blessing in filling those moments of laughter and joy
The beauty in waking
The beauty in love

I dont know what I want
And I guess its taken 28 years to come to that conclusion
and what an empty conclusion to come to after all I have experienced.

But I see hope in it.
Its that black void that I am in
that allows for any possibility to manifest.

All possibilities are open to me.
and I have always swayed with the breeze.

I saw a baby bird struggling in a parking lot today.
I took it in to the neighborhood bar where we fed it water through a straw.
It was so sweet.
So gentle
We placed him into a to go box (open of course) and put him outside the door of the humane society.

Im worried about that little bird
worried that he is all alone.
worried that he died in the night.

I left him with a peck to the head
and a farewell wishing of safety.

Gah, I hope he is ok.

But I realize in that
that I care more about the well being of that bird than I do of my own similar struggles.
'I have such a deep love for this world
such compasion for all its inhabitants

I had more of a definitive decision in what to do with that bird than what to do with my life.
What does that say?

Its unclear to me at this time.
but I recognize it.

I guess that is the first step of attaining aloneness and gaining perspective.
We shall see what epiphanies are in store.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Appreciation

Is amazed by people everyday.

I try to awaken with a smile and a laugh as to set the day in motion.
Not the force of a laugh, but something that triggers my brain to gush out that full hearty laugh that echoes the walls and shakes my heart into a jovial pulse.

I have been given many of these over the past few months thanks to a few people in my life.

I am so blessed to have these people in my life.
They brighten my heart and resonate in my soul.
They are the sunlight that kisses my eyelids awake

They represent the parts of us that change civilizations.

Thank you for being that for me.
Its been a tough year.
There were times that I didn't think I would make it out
Times that I woke with swollen eyes and tear stained pillows

Meditation has given me insight
Yoga has reconditioned my body
And amazing people have awakened the old me
The naturally optimistic parts of me
The inherent me.

The past 9 months have given me insight that I needed
that I haven't given myself time to understand or delve into.

I feel comfortable with myself
and with you

Its nice to see yourself blossom.
Its funny to me and I chuckle as I think about it.
Its like a phoenix.
rising from the ashes of who we create ourselves to be without knowing it

The true beauty of a person is their inherent intuitive presence.
when we shed work, expectations, others expectations, and fear

When we just are.

Who are you when you get to the source?
Who are you in the now?
In this moment?

I want to get to know that person
that isnt afraid to shed
to feel
to be openly expressive

Lets stop hiding
lets awaken
lets rise as a phoenix

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Disappointment

Im disappointed today.
I never thought I would ever say that word
or experience that sensation

I can honestly say I have never felt that way about anyone beyond myself.

And maybe I expect more from people.
And that may be a fault of mine.

I believe in honesty
and I have spent my limited lifetime configuring my voice
to express what is in my heart
the love for humanity
the affinity and appreciation for those close to me.

and in this moment it seems pinched.

Im fumbling over words in my head.
Having trouble classifying this feeling.

I miss the ocean.
I miss standing, sand between my toes
releasing the weight in my chest.

Allowing it to escape through my pores.
I miss the sound of the waves
the salty breeze
I can close my eyes and be there

but instead I sit at this coffee shop
perplexed
watching the biplanes escape over the mountains.
anticipating my next climb.

this will have to do.

I find myself swayed by the mountain air
calming my frustration
and rocking me to a lull.

maybe that sensation is fleeting
Its not in my nature to be disappointed.
Its so funny how it comes in with such intensity
but whithers quickly as i contemplate the why's and origins of this feeling.

Maybe introspection into negative sensations allows for them to die sooner.

Thank you Sedona.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

The Mountain

There is this hairy (grassy) mountain here in sedona
you can see cars pushing up it in 45 degree angles.

I sat yesterday and watched them criss cross against it, then fade into the unknown of the top.
I imagined that the top was the ascension Plato described in the cave.
Maybe the true cave is this reality.

I don't honestly know.
But its fun to hypothesize

I sat thinking about the cars, and their patterns.
I found myself filling with frustration at it.
Why?
Why get worked up over something so impersonal?

I recall saying out loud....
"I dont want to drive my life up the mountains of life.
I want to feel the earth between my fingernails.
I want to climb it.
I want my life to be this vivid declaration of love
where the work is shown through my perspiration

I meditated on that and recognized that I have always felt that way
I have lived life with passion and I will continue to.

Loving these epiphanies.

Friday, April 15, 2011

The Journey

Is it possible to move on?
to move past who we once were
to evolve?

To evolve past relationships, people, situations that used to once make us so happy
so enthralled?
Or is it a capturing?
Do we carry these ppl and images of memories with us?

and if so, is that why my back hurts so much?

Sometimes I feel like some memories chase me.
That I attempted to cut them,
but they are continuously texting me

like that cold that wont leave your skin.
those cold nights that infect your bones
and you would do anything to alleviate that aching in the tendons

I love these days
staring at a red mountahin
writing these words as they come
feeling the sun kiss my back.
as if it is embracing me from behind.

I am in love with this world.
maybe thsi is why I am alone.
I am already having a love affair.

I nestle in the moons gaze
wake up to the suns kisses
and spend the day reading in trees, by the water, or on a mountain.

I sometimes don't feel that any man could love me like this.
And as I have said- it will take a very special man to stop me on this adventure.

and though I love this part of my life,
I cant wait to experience a love like that.

We shall see what transpires, but none the less,
I am loving this journey.



Friday, April 8, 2011

Looking to Now


The words spill from my lips
and my brain pumps these melodic ramblings forth
like the pressure and gushing from an old fashioned watering pump
and these words are sweet as they purse from my lips

Time has stopped existing for me as of late
the linear nature I once understood is but imaginary now
and it throws me off
i find myself not caring about it
as if it never mattered

as if we put so much importance on time
we busy ourselves so much
but do we do it to fill that void of time?

How much of what we do is to push that clock forward?
are we living just enough to fill the time between sleep?

Are we enjoying our lives?
Are we filling out lives with love or are we just buffering our lives until death embraces us?

The problem all along was me.
It was not appreciating the time I was in now.
Focused on the past, finding a sense of closure
Searching in the darkness looking for that light switch.
focusing on the future of whether I would find it or not.
Spending all that effort and time on other states of being.

Its the now that is important.
Nothing else necessarily exists.
Do you see that?

It isnt "well I have time to kill before X"
It is doing what you feel led to now.
The prior fills one with worry and anxiety.
the latter? Joy.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow.
Planning to hike, and its supposed to snow.
Imagine my disappointment.
That is one outlook.

Its time to retune our minds
Its about damn time that we embrace where we are and what we are dealt.
There is no looking forward- there just is now.

We exist in this moment.
Lets embrace it.


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Old Paradigms

Its starting to show

That all I see scares me.
That we all live in bubbles
beautiful plasma based bubbles

But I am not a fan of boundaries
whether it be created by a state
..........or a state of mind

We have the freedom to roam,
even if its in our minds eye

I wont be controlled
even if its by myself
Even if I am the one shackling myself
bound to old paradigms
and old fashioned expectations

I wont live behind a picket fence
and I wont ask how your day was
but I will love loyally
because this conviction wont end
It wont end at 5PM
no matter the area code

and it won't stop on Saturdays
because the beauty id that this conviction isn't purely political
the conviction contains love
it contains my heart and its devotion
I cant be quantitated in value
whether it be pounds, value, or time.

I'm unconventional
I don't fit into aprons
though I would delight in giving

so lets transcend
lets get on a higher vibration
lets love
without pre existing standards.

lets burst the safety zones of our bubbles
and come out from behind our curtains
behind the visage we so fearfully hide behind



Saturday, February 26, 2011

Coming Clean

Its time
time to dispose of the past
time to live for myself

If I was honest about what the problem is
I would have to say it was me

I can't live up to what others want
I don't believe in hiding oneself
I don't believe in shrouds

I can't live up to expectations
I won't
I can only exude that which is in my heart.

and my heart is naive, romantic,
and endless in giving love
entwined with a soft voice

I live in my own head
and I am learning to express my heart
it is summoned and it seems to skip my voicebox and is expressed through my eyes
in water based expression

Or on this paper

When does patience pick up?
When does ones heart resonate in the minds of others?

How do you completely express yourself while jumbling over the words to express it?

Does action dictate ones intent?
What if Intent dominates, but the action doesnt express it?

I am love
We are love

So when does the satisfaction of that begin?

When will we see that we can't live up to what others want of us?
That we have to be enough for ourselves?

That who we are eminates existence?

Life is about more than others expectations
And I choose Happiness.
That is it.

I am goofy
I am loveable
and I love being happy.

Not to ignore problems, but use happiness to work through them.
Lets get on a higher vibration.
I am choosing to do so.

Lets fulfill ourselves, then disperse it to others




Thursday, February 24, 2011

Taking a Stand

Sometimes we question ourselves.
Our inherent selves
that which thrives within us,
sometimes exposing itself, sometimes hidden like a turtle- hidden in its shell

That is- until we see things like I saw today
I was so moved I teared up.
headphones in- on my elliptical
I was crying at the gym

not tears of frustration or pain
but of beauty
I was moved at what I saw on that screen.

We are awakening.
All of us
We saw it in the streets of Egypt.
We see it in Libya
We are seeing a wave

That is- if we open our eyes
If we cleanse out the fear that keeps us in that shell
If we ignore the scare tactics and pain
and consequence.

We create our own consequence.
No one could induce anymore pain than we place on ourselves

But lets wipe the fear away and see ourselves for what we truly are.
we are revolutionary
we are individually the future.

But will it take Egypt to move us?
to awaken us out of this self deprecating psychosis?
Will it take others to awaken our inner spirits?

To be proud of our brothers and sisters over there?
When will we stand up
When do we learn to love through voicing our hearts?
When do we fight with LOVE?

I am done placating
I am done silently passing through the masses hoping to find one of us.
I am done with the group mentality.

I am here to demonstrate LOVE

We are awakening
Lets awaken our hearts, our minds, and our souls to LOVE
to uniting with others
To not being the status Quo

We are all worth it.
You are worth it
I am worth it.

I am escaping from my shell.
Its time to come completely out of our comforts
and expose our beauty
Our love
Ourselves

Lets stand united.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

sitting and waiting

Why is this pain in my chest?
Why do my dreams fulfill my spirit more than my waking days?

What is purpose and how do we find it?
Since I was young I was told by others that I was destined for greatness.
Well, where is it?
Where is the abundance?

Why is my heart bursting with love, good intentions, and this beautifully delicious scent?
But yet, it cant escape my lips or play out in daily life?

Why am I surrounded by millions of people and yet feel so alone?
Moved by this sky, this life, this view....
but feel as though I experience it alone?

I am often asked, "how can you have 4000 friends and still feel lonely?"
Sometimes our hearts and our heads disagree.

Sometimes life throws us curveballs, surprising us--- even if we have asked for it all along.

Life is opening up to me, sometimes as a casket and sometimes as a cocoon

Its full of unknowns.

I created the intent that I am ready and open to receive.
Then the Tower came.
And though right now is my floating stage, I still can't swim.

How does one keep their brains away from their hearts?
How do you keep the pain from seeping into the muscles?
How does one remain positive when you awaken to the idea that you really don't Know what you want?
I guess its similar to when someone tells you they don't want you...

Maybe that is when, yeah loneliness will come, and sure- you may feel alone.
But that is the lower mind talking.
That is the fear coming out.

And maybe while one is seeing that loneliness as a somber event, it is truly a time to open and take that time to sit with yourself.
Sit
wait
close your eyes and see what your heart wants.

The longest hardest part of my life has begun.
Forget the last year, forget relationship status, forget illness, forget the basics that would jar life...
Forcing oneself to take an introspection is the hardest thing one can do.

How do we accept this with love?
How can we help one another not to feel loneliness?

Just thoughts, any help would be appreciated.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Empower yourself.

Something to always remember:


Intend for everything to work out as it should, then let go and allow opportunities and openings to come your way.
Intention is much more powerful when it comes from a place of contentment than if it arises from a sense of lack or need. Stay centered and refuse to be influenced by others doubts or criticisms.
Your higher self knows that everything is all right and will be all right, even without knowing the details or timing of what will happen.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Onward

this night cloaks me
I sit, chai latte to my left
Typing out my heart
in black stick letters
letters composing words, that reach my brain formulating pictures, memories, emotions

Odd how life is so harmonious with our hearts
Even the struggle, even the bad
We allow the world to showcase our inner hearts to ourselves.
What you see is the universe responding to your essence.

Its like we are free falling into ourselves.

Changes and fluctuations come and go in our lives.
The beauty of it is to embrace those changes.

to love that sensation of change.
to evoke heart
to be true to yourself

For the change is awakening the deepest parts of yourself
Parts of me that I never knew existed.
Like a release of my true self

That young 19 year old that was naive but giving to the point of losing everything.
That woman that wasnt hurt, that didn't know what harm was
To be truly vulnerable again
That is all I ever wanted

And that is what I now have.

Reputation is a facade,
who is able to open themselves completely to existence?
All of us, that is who
But who can open themselves completely to others?
ah
well, that takes insight, and a deeper understanding of existence

It is what it means to truly live

Are we truly living?
I choose yes

moving past the pain, anger, transgressions
and onto light.
onto love

Onward