Wednesday, February 11, 2015

On Being and Nothingness

A groundswell  clenches at my throat.
I have stayed silent, vigil, vehemently defiant to uttering a souls word against you
Because that is who I am
I call it Loyalty- you break mold one day and call it Honor

but what is honor among theives?
where is the altruistic heart when it is abused and squandered as a sheep among wolves?

what is bred from the two opposing forces?
A sunset. A phoenix.
For what springs from a misdirected soul and a naive heart is pure in its understanding.

It is so epic that my heart flutters in a lullaby pattern
and I find myself singing that sunshine to sleep
with chakra tuning chords adn old christian praise songs from my youth.

open the eyes of my heart'
I want to see you

I remember not long ago I stood in the mirror
that mirror that I used to literally thank everymorning for allowing me to wake to '
I stood
mascara stained face
puffy eyes
and I looked into that pulseless stare of myself and I sang

"open the eyes of your heart. I want to see you"

and I see it now in retrospect.
I see the beauty in both scenarios.
The only difference now'?'

I can look back at my heart transcribed and transposed into this reality of life
and I can see through that roughed up face and that dead stare-
I can still see the love that never left me.

my essence never left.
and when I look at sierra-
she has that spark too.

and I find myself singing her to sleep with yet another personal hymn
"I could sing of your love forever"

I will oopen up about my love through the time I have disappeared.
we arent victims- but survivors.

No matter the situation- circumstance- or joy in your life
always remember that when you are at your lowest-
you always have you
your heart wont deceive you.

and see that time as a time to accept that you are in it.
just say to yourself "open my eyes, I want to see you"
and i think you will get this message.

no matter how much trust you lose in people, your memory, etc
you always know your heart.
your heart doesnt judge.
it is too honest sometimes.

keep tuning yourself.
and Namaste.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

The Solitude of Prime Numbers

How does one define success?
Money, family, faith?

I believe it is one thing- 
following your heart.
It is waking with a smile and a laugh
It is finding solace in a love's arms
Its being able to laugh at yourself
And cry aloud when hurt

Being who you are
your essence

far too often we lose ourselves
just wanting to please others
and you give until the well runs out

And all you are left with is yourself.
The solitude of 1

and it reminds me of One- a prime number
1,3,5,7 etc 
What do they have in common and how does it relate to my quandry?
no  matter how you pair these, you are always left with one
that is you.
You are the beauty that makes that number prime

And once that realization hits- 
as it did me recently-
you have succeeded in the most important epiphany

Realizing that no matter what or who you are with - 
you are still the solitude of that prime number.
Nothing changes the essence of who you are

I have been waking with a smile thinking of memories of recent
and my laugh?
That somehow I connected Math with philosophy 

I hope this makes sense! lol
(This is also a title of a book)

Saturday, July 6, 2013

The giving Tree

Its been ages.
In watching something so amazing as Shindler's List, I couldnt help but be captivated.
The completeness in itself is miraculous, but one scene.

The women are wrongfully sent to a death camp as opposed to Shindler's work camp.The reason "lost in the paperwork"

How many times do we ignore minor details and shrug them off when, utilizing the butterfly effect, could change so many "lives" or situations?
Why don't we follow through with the essential nature to save a life?
To save our own?

Sometimes we lose ourselves in "the paperwork"
its the age of growth and its time to take that seedling and be the tree that kids can climb on and can give two romantic lovers shade.

I remember reading the giving tree when i was little.
You give and give until you are a stump.

Why not choose to be strong and sturdy to aid others, as opposed to giving until you yourself are dead??

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Its been a while. a long while

in a dark space that has enveloped me

I still have love and hope in people but I feel i have lost ambition.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

truth within yourself

We all have defined truths

Though they may be as in flux as a rapid river

What is your truth?

My truth is that I know that no matter what transpires

That i can always trust myself.

I can hold my own heart

Too often we disallow ourselves to resonate

To exist outside of this physical existence

We replicate the energy of others

And void the symbiotic relationship with us and ourselves

I think intuition is that voice of our source

It has never led me astray

And i understand its value

But how to we stay in communion with our heart?

How do u stay strong amidst adversity?

Or even worse

When you are out tune with yourself?

Sometimes I fall out of love with humanity

I have such a deep compassion for people and nature that at times I lose connection with myself and fall into a dark space.

I recognize that the negative energy induced is my disconnection from my nature

I think many of us live almost solely in our heads.

The beauty of existence is learning to take your internal source and illuminating.

Listen to your intuition, feel completely, and resonate your heart.

No matter the verbal exchange, or your "failures"

Realize its all learning to stay in tune with yourself while living in this skin.

Good luck

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Thursday, October 27, 2011

The other side of the river

Sometimes I look in the mirror and dont recognize the face looking back at me
its weird
its like I have never seen this image before

Sometimes I find comfort in the absurdity of it
and sometimes it scares me
as if early memory loss has set in

I see every morning as a new experience
and every new face in the mirror as an opportunity to redefine it
to relive an existence that never took place
and that may never come to fruition

Every day we are remade
well, externally
our essence is constant

but we have new opportunities every day
I know this because for the longest time I refused those opportunities
I shyed away from nurturing that face in the mirror.

I left her as an image
as this stranger that I said good morning to for those years
I became numb
and the only thing that created reaction was to see that unknown creature in the mirror

It took so long to embrace that face
to reawaken to my own strength
to feel pride

I have remarked on my change frequently in these writings.
My transcendence
my awakening of sorts.

That stranger saved me
She was always there
waiting for me to truly see her

as weird as all of this metaphor sounds-
I saved myself
We all do
we- our essence- our spirit- our passion
can salvage any "broken" aspect within ourselves.
We create our destiny
we choose our fate

I choose life
I choose the other side of the river

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Tuning to Life

Sometimes I feel like Gravity works against me
I like floating in the clouds- idealistic and in love with existence

but every so oftern
That damned phenomena-
Forces me down
imploring with the negative impulses of perceptive life.

I feel chained to it sometimes
and it generates a distaste in me
where I feel like I cant escape it
As if it binds with its force
and my wrists are stained with burst capillaries below my skin.

My spirit fights it
and after a while,
I am slumped- and broken to the fight
and I become part of the world-
succomming to the temptations to perpetuate my own unhappiness.

When you are worn out
How do you generate the strength to stand up?

When I typed that I imagined a man sitting with no legs.
slumped against a brick wall
and I remembered when I was told stories of how those with no legs can still sense the legs that don't exist

I remember some philosophers saying that that sensation is proof of a soul.

And it connected just now.
Just because you don't have something doesn't mean you can't sense it
It doesn't mean that it doesn't necessarily exist.

When I feel broken and my wrists ache
When I feel like Im in bondage

You can't harp on it.
You cant focus on the negative

There is a beauty in those bruises
For that pain in your wrists- that exhaustion-
you know what that was???

It was your voice.
What a conviction do I have if I am willing to fight so hard?

The recognition of your strength should be enough for you to realize that it isn't the force binding you-

Its your acceptance of it and your tuning to it.
When you tune to the negative of this world- you absorb it.

Life is full of ups and downs.
Struggles and pitfalls.

But when you find yourself in a pit
remind yourself of the mountains you were on not long ago.

Trust in your strength.
Recognize your fight within
Embrace it
Accept that not everything flows freely,
and sometimes Gravity snags you so you can appreciate yourself and who you are.

Thank you life's challenges
you are building me

Monday, August 22, 2011

the Ghosts of a good thing

Ive been carrying corpses with me this whole time
Corpses of empty promises,
unrealistic expectations
and relationships that would never work out.

Ive been holding onto potential futures that can never be

and the funny thing?
I knew deep down that they would never come to fruition.

But I kept the ghost of a good thing.
I let the hope kiss my eyes shut at night
and awaken me in the morning.

Its all an illusion.

No one can hold my heart
Im elusive
I don't like consistency
and I can't hold onto something, someone, or myself with my hands behind me
dragging hopeless futures
pulling these decaying bodies of impossible futures.

I've grown an infection from this
Ive bound myself for too long
that my wrists are cut and infected

This stench resonates and produces a direct observation of my misdirection
and I need an antiseptic

I don't want this anymore
Im letting go.
Im giving up these ghosts.
letting them dissipate into the once believed past and non existent future.

Im releasing that desire.
And opening myself to a new adventure.

we dont need anything.

I just need me.

Nothin can stop this heart
this beat that keeps me moving.
What a beautiful sound.

So I will just lay
and listen to it
and remind myself that I am not the corpse I carry

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

these Weary eyes

I fear I have lost myself again
lost in the waves of deadlines and office life
lost in the waves of campaigning

long hours
no sunlight

and sometimes all I desire is to hear a voice
to hear my family
to know how my sister is doing

Just one utterance from my best friend could revive my spirit
the days are sticking together like pages in a book.

I need an outlet
I need a semblance of myself

I have given all of myself this past month.
almost all of it.

So I am venting in these words all of my out of tune frustration
and hoping that all that is left is my nature
back to old me

You have to make time for what you want
you have to try
because if you dont try for yourself?
who will?

time to get back in line.

time to get to the heart of the matter
and cleanse out this funk

here we go.....

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Cyclical evolution

My heart is bursting
I assume its the awakening of my spirit
and not a heart attack
though I think both are life changing

I have this morbid understanding of existence.
I see beauty in every trauma or rainstorm
Most are just misunderstandings.
Most are illusions

I refuse to accept defeat
in any aspect of my life
even if I am initiaing my own undoing.

No thing can break me
no one can harm me unless I allow them to
and I am vigilant

but what of love?
what of that fluttering heart?
how does one open without breaking?

I would argue its all about your perception
if you refuse to believe in the breaking and see it as a transition in life and a cyclical evolution
there is only openess

never say die
always perceive it as a learning lesson.
Understand what you need
and enhance yourself through tribulation.

Lets awaken
lets respect ourselves
it all lies in that.
accept who you are